


sinking into oblivion (like quicksand, but worse)

by theoneandonlybunny



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, The Author - Freeform, deals frankly with depression and mental illness, experience it, in the way i, your mileage may vary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:00:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21646402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoneandonlybunny/pseuds/theoneandonlybunny
Summary: Patton was sick long before any of the other sides really knew him, and by being sick so long, he thinks he has a handle on it. Until he doesn't, and it all comes crashing down.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders & Everyone
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	sinking into oblivion (like quicksand, but worse)

**Author's Note:**

> This work deals very heavily and frankly with depression and mental illness. While anxiety is a natural part of Thomas' mind, and thus we have Anxiety, depression is a genuine mental illness that can and does kill people every year. I have depression, and the way I'm writing about depression in this flick closely corresponds to the way I experience it. If you think you might also have depression, please speak to a therapist or other mental health professional: I am not a doctor, and my ability to help readers is very limited comparatively.

Before the Sides developed their bond and became more cohesive parts of Thomas’s personality, Patton got sick.

It wasn’t something big at first, just a heaviness to his chest and limb on really bad days. As Thomas got older, there were more bad days, but Patton realized the threshold for a really bad day got easier to hit. Stress seemed to bring it out the worst, and high school was full of stress.

Patton developed small ways to deal with the bad days. Talking with friends reduced how sick he felt, but so did taking time for himself and doing things he enjoyed. Sometimes, a good book, movie or show helped him ignore the sickness entirely for several days, and while being sick was annoying, he could deal with it.

Then Thomas went to college and Patton’s ability to deal with the sickness sank.

Classes were full of stress, even the classes Thomas really enjoyed. The shows Thomas was in also caused a lot of stress, though there was usually a payoff after the show where the sickness wasn’t as bad. Dating – god, dating could bring out stress like nothing else. Thomas knew he wasn’t straight, but going out with women was stressful, even when he really liked the girl in question.

That particular stress didn’t go away until after college, when Thomas figured out he didn’t actually like girls at all.

After college brought a lot of other stressors, even when the constant deadlines and due dates went away. Thomas was developing an online presence for himself on this new platform, Vine, and producing new content all the time was draining sometimes. The time he spent developing his persona and content was time he wasn’t using his degree, which meant he got very stress-inducing (if well-meaning) questions from his parents asking when he was getting a ‘real’ job, with benefits and a W-2.

Years of being sick wore Patton down. Change was bad, but if something was too stagnant, that was also bad. The other Sides didn’t seem to be sick like Patton was, though, and they needed him – Thomas needed him – so he put on a smile and pretended he wasn’t sick.

He pretended so well it became part of Patton’s identity in the larger mindspace. He was cheery, responsible (with everything but cookies), encouraging and strong. The sickness never left, though, and untreated it was getting worse.

It kept getting worse.

It kept getting worse.

One day, Patton woke up and couldn’t think of a reason to keep going. His limbs were like concrete, heavy and hard to move, and even though he needed to get up and get moving, he couldn’t. The atmosphere in his room lost its golden hue and started taking on darker shades otherwise more appropriate to Virgil’s room.

Patton curled up in his bed. This wasn’t sadness, this was darker. This wasn’t an emotion, this was stronger. More dangerous.

He turned on his side, breathing quickly. The rush of adrenaline once he figured out what was wrong didn’t help him much, but he reached for his phone. _I’m not coming out today, guys,_ he sent to the group chat. _Not feeling that great. Sorry! XOXO_

Patton had never told anyone about the sickness, and while he was great friends with the other Sides now, he didn’t know where he could possibly start. And even if he did tell them, this wasn’t an argument between Logan and Roman, or an issue Thomas had that they could all brainstorm on. Patton was sick, and group songs weren’t going to make this better.

His phone pinged as the others replied to him. Logan praised his decision to stay in his room, rest and not possibly infect the others. Roman was also thankful Patton was staying away – he didn’t want his singing voice to be brought down by a cold, even though Thomas’ next show wasn’t for months.

Of all of them, Virgil was the one to offer to check on him. After Deceit wore Patton’s face for almost an entire video, Virgil was a little more in tune with Patton’s signals, and it was shockingly rare for Patton to ever take a day off. Still, there wasn’t a lie in Patton’s text – he genuinely did feel terrible – so Patton thanked Virgil for the offer and said he’d just get more rest.

Staying in bed all day watching old cartoons was all Patton could gather the energy to do the entire day. The happy cartoons, the ones he normally loved best, felt weirdly out of sync with reality, and the sad ones felt more solid than anything else in his life. When he couldn’t watch any more cartoons, he tried to listen to music, but his searches seemed to just bring him back to the music Thomas enjoyed when he was in middle school and high school – the songs screaming about how terrible life was.

Life was wonderful! That’s how Patton normally felt, anyway, but today he couldn’t connect to that feeling.

As he laid there, Patton realized while he was supposed to believe it, he couldn’t remember the last time he truly felt it.

It scared him.

The room got darker, and Patton fell back asleep, exhausted by even just what he’d thought and realized.


End file.
